I know, I am a bitch because I gave him too much hope. More than the necessary. And it is killing him, along with my attempt at doing things right. I also know that I am treating him as less than a human being... but I cannot help it since he is so intruding and annoying. Because he loves me. That's why.
I once wanted to break someone else's heart just as once someone did it to me. I thought it would be cool since, hey, people seems to enjoy the pure act of doing it. At least that would explain why there are a lot of heartless people who easily damage another person. But it isn't cool at all. Let me explain my situation as best as possible with as few words as possible. Because I feel like trash while I'm writing this.
Picture this. There are two friends who didn't start well at all, but after talking to each other for quite a time, they have started a decent friendship. At some point, he starts to like you. That's what you suspect because he has been acting quite different when you are near him. Also, you unexpectedly find him in every single place you're at. It doesn't matter if that's not your common location or you just were passing by. HE TOTALLY SEEMS TO BE OUT OF NOWHERE. He starts making comments about how beautiful you are or how he enjoys talking so much with you. That's the very first beginning to telling you: "Hey, I like you". Then, you have realized he likes you more than you have expected.
Needless to say, the feelings are not mutual. Unfortunately for him. Because you're quite new at this experience and you want to sort it out.
At first, you feel powerful. The other person gives you the key to their heart. You know that, by a simple action, you can make him the day. You are capable of transforming someone else's day into something to remember forever. But you also have the power of destroying every hope, every dream, and every spotlight of the future. It is cruel. And easily done, too.
Since you feel you can control that person, you start to do certaing things to clear out how much you can influence him. You make a comment at, for example, how cute he was when he was a child. There you can see he barely smiles. It seems to be a joy more for himself rather than for other people (me). But instantly, you can find through other media that he was so happy for that single comment you made about him. He makes sure you know. Not directly, but the message is quite clear for both to understand how meaningful it was for him.
Maybe after that, you do two or three little actions that wouldn't mean nothing to other people, but for him, it is a way to say "I like you too". It is not with any other intention anymore, but he starts to misinterpret it in a way you know will harm him and you in the future.
He starts being very annoying at this point. He seems to be at every place you're at, and then it is when it becomes a total annoyance. You cannot breath, almost literaly. As a person who enjoys being alone as much as to be with a good company, this is a completely rude action. Then you start using your influence to him in the opposite direction. You start being rude as well.
You don't talk to him at all. It hurts him. And you are aware of that. It feels quite powerful since you can manipulate him at some point. Then, when he tries to talk to you, there is a way to make him go away: simply start noting the bad things that were once forgotten since you both became friends. You know you are being so unfair since all friendships can have very bad moments, as well as good ones. But it works out quite well just as he starts thinking what was wrong.
It might be enough for you, but not for him. He keeps surviving with all the good memories of you. He just try to be nicer to you to make up for all the thing you just said were wrong of him. It even MORE annoying there. That's because he seems to beg you for love. It is what you hate the most: beggers. What is your solution? Be meaner. Even more.
You start using details he once said to you to bully him. Practically it is a stab for his heart. Then it is when he is completely hurted. He goes away just a little. But not before using your same words to attack you. The same way you did.
And what do you do? Get mad for real. You cry all over to your friends how mean he was by telling you that thing you just hate the most. Of course you did it to him as well, but who matters? You blame him for coping all your anger and still being able to keep near you. Because, for you, someone with a dignity wouldn't cope with a person who is just hurting you the way you are doing. But maybe you're understimating his love so much. Who knows. I am, at this point, not very sure how much he loved me, or how much he was willing to go on.
After thinking a little bit, and being not mad anymore, you just realized how wrong you were. You were taught to never be mean to people who has been nice to you. Now you are the one who feels guilty. You go to him, a little bit ashamed, and ask him to forgive you. You mean it, but not for him at all. It is for you: that way, you will feel free of guilt and blame. However, he feels this as a way of you to show how you care for him. The sad truth is that, yeah, you might care for him. But just as A FRIEND.
At this point, you have used all your influence and power to manipulate the person who loves you. Nonetheless, you have realized you don't like it at all! It is too tiring and cruel.
He begins to be nice to you as well, but no the same way as it was at the beginning. He keeps loving you, but in a silent way. You might think it is over, and you start treating him a little bit better since you think he sees you now as a friend. But, as a flawed person you are, you don't forget all the bad things in the past. You start to realize that his character is very difficult to cope, and you are the same way. You both are incompatible. Then it starts again the same circle: you hurt him first, he does it back to protect himself, and then you just talk to others to show how mean he is. Again, and again, he comes back to you with the same commitment of being the best person for you. He must think that, at some point, you will notice how good he is and you will magically start loving you.
Nothing of this works out, of course. Then he uses his last weapon to make you fall for him: jealousy.
That's exactly your weak point. You feel jealous for everyone who looks at your crushes. You also feel jealous even for the people who once liked you, and then you rejected. That would have worked out for him... but then he showed how weak he really is.
He suddendly started talking about a girl he particularly liked. You didn't asked at all because it was kind of obvious how it was all made up. It didn't work out at the beginning.
But then it was becoming real. Or so you though. This "she" was being named after a couple of comments about her, and then there was a profile which could be looked at. First, you thought it was so nice so he could leave you alone... but then, what happened? Jealousy?
Not at all. At least not the way he intended to be. You could say it was more as a fear of losing someone who was there, for sure. He had coped with all my bad temper, and even so he was still there for me. Willing to do anything for your sake. What did youy do? You started being kind of nice to him. It was not nice at all, if he knew the circumnstances.
You even invited him to an event were he was as "your couple". He might have felt illusioned. But you just did that in a moment when you were drunk and alone. You didn't have anyone there, except for him. He just came, and didn't ask for anything. He acted as if something has never happened.
And then, at that single night, everything just came clearly to your head:
YOU were being SUCH AN IDIOT. A HORRIBLE person who has just been using a person for her own benefit. On purpose you were nice to him to get some things for here. Then, you were an asshole for using his same words to stab him in the back and making him feel miserable afterwards. YOU were just a bitch who used her power to create illusions over his head. And then? And then you destroyed every one of them into pieces. You were even worse that the people who have hurted you because, those people were pretty clear about their resolutions. But you weren't. Congratulations. You have taken more of someone else than other people have taken from you. You are the winner afterall.
This is basically what has happened to me and this guy. I cannot defend myself in that issue. I wanted, before even knowing him well, to be loved by this guy. I wanted to feel loved by someone. And I also wanted to make other person feel the same pain I had been when I loved someone but it wasn't mutual. The only thing I can say, in my defense, is that I didn't want him to be the one in the last situation.
I thought that, after this semester was over, I wouldn't have to see him at all. That way, he would forget me, and I wouldn't have the chance to hurt him once again. But he managed to make us be together this next semester. That will complicate my expectatives. That will make me difficult to be a good person once again. That also shows me he loves me even now. After all those things, he is still having hopes for me. I don't really want that. It is very likely that I will hurt him once again.
I will try very hard not to do that once again. He has maken this too difficult for me to accomplish.
But I promise.
I will.
